humor
“I never miss a chance to have sex—or appear on television.”
“A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.”
“Our wit is often the product of our misfortunes.”
“If Botticelli were alive today he'd be working for Vogue.”
“Politicians only get to the top because they have no qualifications to detain them at the bottom.”
“Laughter would be bereaved if snobbery died.”
“Sex is a conversation carried out by other means.”
“To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.”
“If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.”
“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.”
“He was a bold man that first ate an oyster.”
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”
“Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie” until you can find a rock.”
“No one gossips about other people’s secret virtues.”
“Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.”
“I hate flowers—I paint them because they’re cheaper than models and they don’t move.”
“Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.”
“Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.”
“Progress was all right once, but it has gone on too long.”
“Bankers are just like anybody else, except richer.”