Ogden Nash
“Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.”
“Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.”
“Progress was all right once, but it has gone on too long.”
“Bankers are just like anybody else, except richer.”
“I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree.”
“Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.”
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.”
“The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.”
“A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.”
“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”