humor
“Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.”
“A mule will labor ten years willingly and patiently for you, for the privilege of kicking you once.”
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of the tires.”
“Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.”
“Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen [sic] in America and Americans in Scotland.”
“Hers, pron. His.”
“Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.”
“Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.”
“Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.”
“Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.”
“Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.”
“Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.”
“Life is like underwear, should be changed twice a day.”
“Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.”
“Don't wake me for the end of the world unless it has very good special effects.”
“There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.”
“Luck is not something you can mention in the presence of self-made men.”
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
“I am not young enough to know everything.”
“There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.”