Ambrose Bierce
“Polygamy, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with several stoves.”
“Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared.”
“Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.”
“Police, n. An armed force for protection and participation.”
“Pocket, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience.”
“Perfection, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence.”
“Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.”
“Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.”
“Patriot, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole.”
“Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man—who has no gills.”
“Electricity, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else.”
“Elector, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man’s choice.”
“Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”
“Controversy, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.”
“Contempt, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.”
“Consult, v.i. To seek another’s disapproval of a course already decided on.”
“Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.”
“Connoisseur, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.”
“Congress, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.”
“Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.”