Ambrose Bierce
“Advice, n. The smallest current coin.”
“Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.”
“Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous”
“Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.”
“Accord, n. Harmony.”
“Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.”
“Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.”
“Absent, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.”
“Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward a straiter resemblance to the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death, and the hope of Hell.”
“Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.”
“Loss, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not.”
“Pedigree, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a spring at the further end.”
“Poetry, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines.”
“Poker, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to this lexicographer unknown.”
“Plunder, v. To take the property of another without observing the decent and customary reticences of theft.”
“Rank, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.”
“Ransom, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer.”
“Rabble, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections.”
“Quotient, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another.”
“Quorum, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it.”