Ambrose Bierce
“Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.”
“Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.”
“Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.”
“Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.”
“Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.”
“Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.”
“Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum -- whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.”
“Capital, n. The seat of misgovernment.”
“Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.”
“Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.”
“Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.”
“Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.”
“Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.”
“Backbite, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.”
“Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.”
“Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.”
“Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense.”
“Amnesty, n. The state’s magnaminity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.”
“Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.”
“Alone, adj. In bad company.”