Ambrose Bierce
“Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.”
“Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.”
“Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.”
“Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven.”
“Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense”
“Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.”
“Forgetfulness, A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.”
“Flesh, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity.”
“Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.”
“Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.”
“Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.”
“Extinction, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.”
“Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.”
“Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.”
“Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.”
“Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.”
“Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.”
“Decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.”
“Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.”
“Confidant, Confidante, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.”