“Forgetfulness, A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.”
“Flesh, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity.”
“Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.”
“Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.”
“Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.”
“Extinction, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.”
“Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.”
“Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.”
“Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.”
“Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.”
“Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.”
“Decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.”
“Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.”
“Confidant, Confidante, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.”
“Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.”
“Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.”
“Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.”
“Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.”
“Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.”
“Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.”