“Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum -- whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.”
“Capital, n. The seat of misgovernment.”
“Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.”
“Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.”
“Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.”
“Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.”
“Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.”
“Backbite, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.”
“Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.”
“Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.”
“Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense.”
“Amnesty, n. The state’s magnaminity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.”
“Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.”
“Alone, adj. In bad company.”
“Advice, n. The smallest current coin.”
“Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.”
“Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous”
“Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.”
“Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.”